May Check In

 Theme of the month: Struggle and depression.  Just does not seem to be passing, just when things are going good I start spiraling again.

I have a rule for my life that I have come up with this month that I am trying to focus on: I only look back at my life to measure how far I’ve come. I am always momentarily overwhelmed by the mistakes I have made and the regrets I have, and that’s a good thing for me.

It motivates me. More importantly, my heart is filled with gratitude for the forgiveness and the grace I’ve been given, even though I certainly didn’t deserve any of it.

At my rock bottom, I was forced to face the truth. The adversity I grappled with from the truth was going to refine me and set my heart free, or the adversity from the truth was going to define my life and crush me like the power of gravity.

Day after day, I choose to do the work to transform myself, and that journey is filled with so many people who have helped me. I’m not even OK without their sacrifice to help me. As I look back, several key individuals carried me and still do when I was/am too weak or foolish to carry myself.

On one of the darkest days in my life, a few close friends lifted me (physically and mentally), set me back on my feet, and challenged me to move forward.  This seems to be the theme of my life lately, but hopefully over more time it passes and I can pay them back.

Even though miles and busy lives separate our day-to-day lives, It always gives me courage to know that they are out there fighting for their truth and give me the inspiration to choose my truth as well.

I love you, guys and you know who you are. Thank you for BEing you. You were there for me; you  guys didn’t hesitate; you picked me up when I was down. Your strength made it possible for me to get up and continue to keep trying to move forward during the roughest year so far in my life.

I’m eternally grateful. I will always be there for you all when you call. Anything I do that’s purposeful in this life you will share with me in the next life.

 Just need to find the balance somehow I think......

Training Update

Another horrid month in which I have no real reason to why except for the mental bullshit I have going on that I talk a little bit about above.  I have just been struggling with finding the joy in what I love to do most, run.  Every day is a struggle to get it done and the joy has been gone for a while, I am talking months.  I have found myself skipping any runs that are over 10 miles due to the deep dread I have about it lately.  I have no reason or excuse for it, I am not injured or hurt.   I can not figure it out.  This past month I skipped Quadrock 25 miler and downgraded at the Quest for the Crest in North Carolina from the 50K to the 10K which I enjoyed a lot.  Maybe it is time to walk away from ultra running for a while? Maybe it is time to break the bikes back out after a couple of years off them?  All I do know is that I still enjoy the gym a lot so at least there is that.

Caught up with Rebecca, Brad, Lizzy, Dad, Sherryl, Mom, Donnie, Steve, Steph and a Denver Trailrunners Sunday run this month in person so it was awesome month on that front at least.

Here are the total hours broken down by activity for the month.

 

 

Goals Check In

1. Re- Qualify for the Hardrock lottery- signed up for Run Rabbit Run 100
   
2. Average a Peak a week in 2021- Behind- about to throw in the towel on this idea
   
3. Travel somewhere new for a race- Complete: Trip to North Carolina
4. Run Coaching Certification- 55% done
5. Read at least 30 books-  25 completed
6. Sky Dive
7. Leave the lower 48- Is it possible due to Covid?
8. Travel somewhere I have never been if I can't leave the lower 48
9. Keep the blog more updated- on track
10. Backpacking on the Colorado Trail for 3-7 days
    

Pictures in May

April Check In

 

Theme of the month: Injuries and/or sickness.  It has been a trying month for sure.  The month started out great and even got in my first bar muscle up at the gym but ended up cracking a rib in the process, fuck...  There was a couple of rest days.  After finally getting to the point where running did not hurt the ribs, I was running along the Mesa trail in Boulder for my long run on Easter Sunday when a dog on a leash reached out and bit me at about mile 7 of my 16 mile run just north of NCAR.  Ended up with 6 stitches (photos below), thankful it was not worse because it was a German Shepard that got me.  Then after that healed up I started having extreme lymph node and jaw pain after getting my second COVID shot.  Had a golf ball in my arm pit of the arm I got the shot in and was put on nerve meds for Trigeminal Neuralgia or nerve pain in the jaw which I am still taking.  This was the worse pain I have ever had in my life, it go so bad that I just puked on myself and passed out from the pain in the middle of the night in bed. I would not wish this on my worse enemy.  With that said the meds run out tomorrow 5/4 and I am scared as hell that it is going to come back this week.  We will see I guess. Well at least I got the second shot of the COVID vaccine out of the way and I am done with it even with all the side effects it caused for me. 

On the more positive side of things with all the down time from not training as much I read another 6 books this month.  LOL.... Also did a race as well at the Rattler 25K winning the Masters.  Was racing for the overall win but took a wrong turn adding 2 miles to the run so had to fight my way back up ending up in 5th overall (photos below).  Donnie had a great race at the 50K as well winning the Masters in that as well.  I was supposed to do the 50K but downgraded because the stitches I got the weekend before, did not want to over do it to much and pull a stitch.

Also reactivated my Facebook account on 4/13 after being off it for 8 months.  Been thinking about doing this for a long time but really wanted to make to the 8 month mark.  I had a lot of anxiety around getting back on and still do.  I feel that my past behavior around Facebook is one of the causes of some of the problems I have had in the past 18 months.  I have been successful in limiting to once in the morning and once in the evening for 10-15mins max each time.  A huge improvement over the constant checking of it that I used to do.  I also do not have it on my phone but can only check it on my PC which farther limits my access to it.  I have made a promise to myself that if I get back to that point again I will take another long break from it to reset, so if I disappear that would be the reason why.

 

Training Update

Another down month with all the bullshit that happened this month.  Not even close to where I want to be running mileage wise or overall miles or hours.  Not going to keep on complaining in this section, think I covered that well above.  Well at least there is a trip to North Carolina planned this month, just not sure if I am going to do the race or not with this jaw shit going on but super excited to go on a trip.  I really need a change even if it is only for a few days.

 Did also catch up with Avery, Rebecca, Clyde, Lizzy, Kelly and Donnie this month in person so I guess I am still forcing myself to be somewhat social.  Trying anyways......

Here are the total hours broken down by activity for the month.

 

 

April GoRuck Tribe

Done with GoRuck Tribe for 2021.  I made up what I need to for March and finished April.  Decided that I just have to much on my plate between running and the gym to add this to it anymore.  Was feeling overwhelmed.  It was fun though and may go back to it after the summer activities are done  You can find the information on it here if you are interested.  Here is what it involved for April. 

 

Goals Check In

1. Re- Qualify for the Hardrock lottery- signed up for Run Rabbit Run 100
   
2. Average a Peak a week in 2021- Behind
   
3. Travel somewhere new for a race- Trip to North Carolina in May scheduled
4. Run Coaching Certification- 55% done
5. Read at least 30 books-  22 completed
6. Sky Dive
7. Leave the lower 48- Is it possible due to Covid?
8. Travel somewhere I have never been if I can't leave the lower 48
9. Keep the blog more updated- on track
10. Backpacking on the Colorado Trail for 3-7 days
    

Pictures inApril

March Check In

 

Divorce from Sonja was final as of March 1st.  Got the paperwork in the mail about 5 hours after I posted my February update last month.  I know this may have come has a shock to some who were unaware of what has been going on, I am not going to get into the details on here but I made a promise to Sonja and myself that I would be totally honest and open if anyone was to ask about it.  So if you want to know you will have to meet me for a run, ride, drink, ect, then ask and I will be more than happy to share my fuck ups.  Just not going to into the details on the internet out of respect for her.  Anyways with that comes all the depression and struggles I have been talking about the past few months.  There is a driving force behind it all.  I know that it will pass with time, hopefully, but that does not change the challenge of it in the current moment.  With that said this month was not what I hoped it to be on the training front but was what it was.  Well at least I got the first shot of the COVID vaccine out of the way, can't wait to get the second shot in April and be done with it.

Training Update

About 20 hours less overall than last month, it was like I hit a damn wall this month both physically and mentally.  I did struggle somewhat motivation wise with all the snow we got this month but that is no real excuse, think that is just my depression looking for things to blame it on.  I'm still doing the stretching at least 30 minutes most night and can feel the next day if I don't, getting old sucks. Race wise the only race I had planned in March was Salida Half Marathon which was moved out a week from when it was planned due to snow.  This sapped any motivation of going so bagged it and took the credit to use in upcoming years.  Speaking of races I did sign up for one of the classic ultras in March.  Planning on heading back to the east coast in November to run the JFK 50 miler.  No real goals for JFK for it will be about 8 weeks after Run Rabbit Run 100 so I won't be in real race shape due to still recovering  but I plan to explore and take in the history of the race and the area.  Super excited about this and kind of wish it was sooner rather than later, could use a trip right now.

Only got in one ski day this month with Debra at ABasin.  It was a fun day catching up with an old friend that was needed even though I ended up straining my calf some how and had to cut down my runs some in the week after.  Worth it 100%, really need to socialize more and get out of the damn house.  Had a few other days planned where I even took off work but ended up staying home.  Just don't have the internal drive to go ski like I thought I would this year, would rather run and go to the gym.  Think it is just time to let it go for the year and not force it.

 Did also catch up with Avery, JT, Donnie, Rebecca, Clyde and George this month in person so I guess I am sort of forcing myself to be somewhat social.  Trying anyways......

Here are the total hours broken down by activity for the month.

 

 

March GoRuck Tribe

Still on track for the GoRuck Tribe for 2021, sort of.  I will be making up the 8 mile ruck that I missed in March in April, late but will get it done.  You can find the information on it here if you are interested.  Here is what it involved for March. 

 

Goals Check In

1. Re- Qualify for the Hardrock lottery- signed up for Run Rabbit Run 100
   
2. Average a Peak a week in 2021- Still averaging, barely... need to get back on this
   
3. Travel somewhere new for a race- Trip to North Carolina in May scheduled
4. Run Coaching Certification- 55% done
5. Read at least 30 books-  16 completed
6. Sky Dive
7. Leave the lower 48- Is it possible due to Covid?
8. Travel somewhere I have never been if I can't leave the lower 48
9. Keep the blog more updated- on track
10. Backpacking on the Colorado Trail for 3-7 days
    

Pictures in March

 

February Check In

 

And month #2 of 2021 is in the books.  It has been one of my more trying months as far as my mental health which I touch a little bit in the No TV update section below.  With that said I think I am on the upswing again finally. Here is to a sunnier and better March!

No TV update

As stated in my last post I think have been using the TV to cope to much lately.  Well the challenge started out great but fell apart in dramatic fashion.  The first 2 weeks of the month went great, read a shit ton and got stuff done that I have been putting off for far to long, ect.  Then Feb 12th happened.  The temps dropped down to 0 degrees or lower for the next 4 or so days, then Valentines Day came around followed directly the next day with what would have been my 1 year wedding anniversary on the 15th if Sonja and I were still together.  I fell into a deep depression that lasted for weeks.  That weekend and the following weekend I did not even get out of bed from Saturday mid-day until Monday mornings, I have never been so low.  You can see it reflected in the training graphs below where I missed 2 long runs that I normally do on Sundays (yes I spent 2 weekends in a row in bed).  Anyways, I fell back into old patterns using TV to cope and to shut out the world.   I would lay in bed and watch Netflix or Amazon Prime on my IPhone to shut out the world.  I am just now starting to get myself out of his black hole in the past few days and while out on my daily dog walk last week I listened to this, Trailrunner DNF Podcast #10 which you can get here.  The podcast is about depression and binge eating in male ultrarunners.  It really hit home.  I have always struggled to some degree with both issues for years but never knew how to talk about it or how to even put it into words.  Mike just did that for me in this podcast. Guys aren't supposed to struggle with issues like this according to society.  It is sort of a relief to hear someone else talk about it, as he says, when going through it you feel like you are the only one in the world with these issues, good to know that is not true.  Give it a listen.  It really hit home for me.

Training Update

Even with the bout of depression that hit me this month I still ended up having the 2nd biggest month ever hour-wise so that is a win I guess.  I still doing the stretching at least 30 minutes every night (most nights, missed a couple) and my mobility has come leaps and bounds.  I came into the year with an achilles injury which I talked about last month, well that is gone.  Back to jumping rope and everything else, non-issue now.  Only went skiing once this month, I had 3 other days scheduled (even took off work) but ended up staying home, jogging then crawling back into bed.  Yep it was a tough month as I talked about above.  At least I was able to force the run or lifting on most days even if they were less than ideal.

 Also did my first race of 2021 on the last day of the month yesterday, Highlands Ranch 10K.  Ended up doing better than expectations.  Went into the race with the goal of going sub 40 minutes since I have not done that in a couple of years.  Honestly did not know what kind of shape I was in and this was to be the test to see where I stood.  Ended up dropping a 35:39 for the overall win.  Shocked.....  I really needed that positive reinforcement for my mental health.  I really did not think I was even able to break 40 minutes right now and to be able just showed me that I am farther long than I thought I was.  And no the course was not short. Here is the Strava data on that here.

Here are the total hours broken down by activity for the month.

February GoRuck Tribe

Still on track for the GoRuck Tribe for 2021.  You can find the information on it here if you are interested.  Here is what it involved for February.  If you got a post card from me this month, this was the driving force behind that.  Hope to keep that up going forward for I know how much I enjoy receiving them so I am sure others enjoy it as well. Looking forward to the March activities.  Been fun!

 

Goals Check In

1. Re- Qualify for the Hardrock lottery- signed up for Run Rabbit Run 100
   
2. Average a Peak a week in 2021- Still averaging 
3. Travel somewhere new for a race- Trip to North Carolina in May scheduled
4. Run Coaching Certification- 55% done
5. Read at least 30 books-  11 completed
6. Sky Dive
7. Leave the lower 48- Is it possible due to Covid?
8. Travel somewhere I have never been if I can't leave the lower 48
9. Keep the blog more updated- on track
10. Backpacking on the Colorado Trail for 3-7 days
    

Pictures in February