Theme of the month: Struggle and depression. Just does not seem to be passing, just when things are going good I start spiraling again.
I have a rule for my life that I have come up with this month that I am trying to focus on: I only look back at my life to measure how far I’ve come. I am always momentarily overwhelmed by the mistakes I have made and the regrets I have, and that’s a good thing for me.
It
motivates me. More importantly, my heart is filled with gratitude for
the forgiveness and the grace I’ve been given, even though I certainly
didn’t deserve any of it.
At
my rock bottom, I was forced to face the truth. The adversity I
grappled with from the truth was going to refine me and set my heart
free, or the adversity from the truth was going to define my life and
crush me like the power of gravity.
Day after day, I choose to do
the work to transform myself, and that journey is filled with so many
people who have helped me. I’m not even OK without their sacrifice to help me. As I
look back, several key individuals carried me and still do when I was/am too weak or
foolish to carry myself.
On
one of the darkest days in my life, a few close friends lifted me (physically
and mentally), set me back on my feet, and challenged me to move
forward. This seems to be the theme of my life lately, but hopefully over more time it passes and I can pay them back.
Even
though miles and busy lives separate our day-to-day lives, It always gives
me courage to know that they are out there fighting for their truth and give me the inspiration to choose my truth as well.
I
love you, guys and you know who you are. Thank you for BEing you. You were there for me; you guys
didn’t hesitate; you picked me up when I was down. Your strength made it
possible for me to get up and continue to keep trying to move forward during the roughest year so far in my life.
I’m
eternally grateful. I will always be there for you all when you call.
Anything I do that’s purposeful in this life you will share with me in
the next life.
Just need to find the balance somehow I think......
Training Update
Another horrid month in which I have no real reason to why except for the mental bullshit I have going on that I talk a little bit about above. I have just been struggling with finding the joy in what I love to do most, run. Every day is a struggle to get it done and the joy has been gone for a while, I am talking months. I have found myself skipping any runs that are over 10 miles due to the deep dread I have about it lately. I have no reason or excuse for it, I am not injured or hurt. I can not figure it out. This past month I skipped Quadrock 25 miler and downgraded at the Quest for the Crest in North Carolina from the 50K to the 10K which I enjoyed a lot. Maybe it is time to walk away from ultra running for a while? Maybe it is time to break the bikes back out after a couple of years off them? All I do know is that I still enjoy the gym a lot so at least there is that.
Caught up with Rebecca, Brad, Lizzy, Dad, Sherryl, Mom, Donnie, Steve, Steph and a Denver Trailrunners Sunday run this month in person so it was awesome month on that front at least.
Here are the total hours broken down by activity for the month.
Goals Check In
- Re- Qualify for the Hardrock lottery- signed up for Run Rabbit Run 100
- Average a Peak a week in 2021- Behind- about to throw in the towel on this idea
- Travel somewhere new for a race- Complete: Trip to North Carolina
- Run Coaching Certification- 55% done
- Read at least 30 books- 25 completed
- Sky Dive
- Leave the lower 48- Is it possible due to Covid?
- Travel somewhere I have never been if I can't leave the lower 48
- Keep the blog more updated- on track
- Backpacking on the Colorado Trail for 3-7 days
Pictures in May
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